We are quite humiliated! We are in a terrible funk! Mouse has been caught, but not by a garden warrior. The shame!
Our human slave bought a strange plastic contraption a couple of weeks ago. She said it was a trap for Mouse. We scoffed. Mouse is an evil genius. He could never be caught in some kind of plastic toy thought up by a human! The idea!
Stubbornly, she went ahead with her stupid plan. She wasted perfectly good peanutbutter inside, that could have been given to dogs. Nothing happened, just as we predicted. So, she wasted a morsel of bread, again taking food out of the mouths of the garden warriors! Disgraceful! We told her so, but she didn’t listen. And, as before, it was all for nothing.
This afternoon, the human slave was sharing an apple with us, and had an impulse to put a bit in the trap thingy. It was a crisp, juicy apple, that rightfully belonged to our faithful soldiers. She said that since Mouse ate part of an apple before, maybe the fruit would tempt him into the trap. What an idea! She can be stubborn, though, and went right ahead with her “idea”.
Ten minutes later we heard a scrabbling noise, and the trap had been sprung! It caught not only Mouse, but a mouse clone as well! We are flabbergasted! Two at once! Well, there will be no living with the human after this! You can’t let them start to take their silly ideas seriously, you know! No telling what they might try to do next. We are going to have to think long and hard about the best way to redeem our reputations! Monkey!
Tomorrow (May 4th) is Star Wars Day. We are concerned about this. Our research has shown that evil characters (probably rodents), make up big armies of clones to do their dirty work. We have seen an increase of mice in our garden, and are concerned that Darth Mouse has been cloning an invasion force!
One of these mouse clones has actually invaded our headquarters. Brock is quite upset about this. The clone could be scouting for weaknesses. Maybe it is stealing for supplies for the clone army! We can’t have that! Our human slave found that it had eaten part of an apple! Everyone knows that apples are for dogs! What’s next? Carrots? Kibble? BACON? The end of the world?
Brock has spent hours trying to get that clone to come out from behind the piano or wherever it is hiding. It is extremely uncooperative. It inconveniently hides in a place that no one can reach, and despite Brock’s most authoritative bark, it absolutely refuses to cooperate and come out! Disgraceful!
It’s exhausting for everyone to be on high alert all the time. Well, almost everyone. We are not happy with Merry’s performance in this crisis. When the Mouse Alert is sounded, Brock, Hamilton and Pippin boldly leap into action and try to effect it’s capture. It’s true that Pippin often runs to the wrong spot, but at least he attempts to do his duty. Merry gives a few loud barks, but when everyone else has rushed into the breach, he doesn’t follow. Instead he takes over the warmest, comfiest spot of lap that one of his more heroic comrades has vacated, and curls up for a nap. Court marshal, do you think? Monkey!
Hamilton almost caught that evil Mouse today! Twice! He caught up with the malefactor in the narcissus bed, pouncing and driving him back and forth. After a while, he couldn’t seem to catch up with him anymore. Brock had been helping, but as the search through the jungle of stems went on and on, he decided that he would be of more help guarding the door to headquarters, so that our food supplies would be protected. What thief could enter with Brock camped right on the threshold?
It wasn’t until we were all headed back inside for a well earned rest and snack that our human slave mentioned that she had seen Mouse run across the garden path to hide in the geraniums! What the heck! She couldn’t give a bark or yelp or something to give us a heads up? She then claimed that every time she tries to warn us about an incursion, we always run and bark in the wrong direction! Humph! That is so ridiculous, that we didn’t even dignify it with an answer! Humans make very unreliable lookouts. You can’t depend on them at all!
We all settled in for a nice afternoon nap. Suddenly, we were startled by a horrible grinding noise. Brock looked out of the window and discovered Squirrel! Right on the front porch! In broad daylight! The malefactor was gnawing his way through the hard plastic lid on the birdseed canister! Well, we soon chased him out of our territory! Several times the cheeky rascal hopped back over the fence and tried to saunter across our lawn. While we were right there on guard duty! The nerves of these knavish rodents these days! No respect at all! Disgraceful! Monkey!
No parent should have to bury their child as I have. No grandparent should have to pick out little coffins for their grandchildren as I have. Whatever the cause, it is a tragedy that hangs like a cloud over your head and causes you pain for the rest of your life.
Losing those precious lives to violence – to murder – is a special kind of Hell. Nothing is more devastating or nightmarish. To know that someone deliberately did this to them – that their lives were thrown out like trash – that is an agony I don’t want one more parent of grandparent to know. To have to sit in court with the evil person who committed this horrible act, day after day, while you learn the details of what your babies went through is awful. You are told you can’t show emotion or it could influence the jury and be a basis for an appeal. So you hold it in, an impossible task, and collapse when it is over. Every day. For years. And for the rest of your life you still worry about appeals, and see your tragedy portrayed in books and television programs. It’s an insane way to live.
My boys were not killed with a gun. That doesn’t matter. Guns are too easy…too easy to get and too easy to use. You can kill at a distance. You can kill many more victims. You don’t have to even notice the humanity of the lives you are ripping away, as you move on to the next. If tougher gun laws can stop one family from going through this kind of half-life, they are worth it. Every single one of the lives lost to violence diminishes us all. This must stop. I don’t want to hear the same excuses one more time. Enough us enough! Monkey! #enoughisenough #neveragain
We spent yesterday on super high red alert. It was exhausting! But, whatever the cost, we garden warriors will always do our duty.
Eavesdropping on the humans, we found out that the day was Code named “St. Patrick’s Day,” and that a major attack was expected. This was to be carried out by some kind of special rodents called “leprechauns.” Humans are so concerned with these dastardly creatures, that they cover their hair-deficient bodies with the color green so that they will not be pinched. These leprechaun things must be some kind of green colored rat with a claw like lobster for pinching. Well, not in our territory! No matter how horrifying the rodent, the garden soldiers will always repel the enemy! Always!
The humans fear these rats so much, that they encourage their littlest to band together in their schools to build traps to catch them. Our human was telling everyone that her grandson, Devon, once caught a potato in his leprechaun trap. Did you know that potatos can run around and get into trouble? We didn’t either. We will have to watch out for that in the future!
Since the littles were all making traps to keep their headquarters safe, Pippin and Hamilton decided that they should do the same. Our human slave wastes time crocheting things out of yarn when she could be petting dogs. She has much more yarn than she needs. Cozy blankets are one thing, but fluffy sweaters for bold warriors? Shudder! Never! So, helping to use up all that stuff before she makes something humiliating is a kindness. Hamilton and Pippin took it upon themselves to weave several large traps by rolling and wrestling in the awful stuff. It was a lot of work, and their diligence wasn’t appreciated nearly as much as it should have been! The green rats, were unfortunately too smart to be caught, and so were the potatos! We caught Merry a couple of times, though, so we know the traps were well made. Hope you were able to keep the green pinching rats away from your territory, too! Monkey!
We have had a horrifying experience! Absolutely horrifying. We aren’t even sure we can adequately explain how dreadful it was.
it started out with a nice ride in the car, smelling the smells and seeing the sights. Merry started to become anxious and was muttering under his breath. The car stopped and Merry pointed his nose to the sky and started to howl! He must have second sight! The car door was jerked open, and an evil human man grabbed Hamilton and kidnapped him! We all hopped out and were trying to figure out what to do next. Should we follow his scent? Run? Pee on the car tires? Before we could come to a consensus, the evil one captured the rest of us and took us into his prison.
We were all shoved into little cages, and forced to watch and listen while one after another we were taken out and TORTURED! I shudder to have to tell you what we had to endure. We were dumped in a big tub of water, and had sticky, icky smelling, sweet stuff rubbed all over. Then we were blasted with air and our hair was pulled and brushed and cut! He even cut away the hair from our, um, ahem, private areas. He cut off the tips of our nice strong claws, and even pulled the hair out of our ears! That hurt! And why would this evil human want our ear hair, anyway? To lay a false trail, and implicate us in some nefarious plot?
We were finally rescued and our ransom was paid. Curse that cruel man, profiting from our humiliation and torture! How will we live this down? How can we keep our territory secure when we smell like flowers? Mouse and Squirrel will snicker at us! And the garden was completely unguarded while we were incarcerated. When we arrived a strange mail carrier was there doing who knows what to our mailbox! And the evil chows next door yelled insults at us when they saw the horrible condition we were in! It’s a good thing it rained last night! With any luck, we can find some nice mud to roll in. I think we all deserve medals! And bacon! Definitely bacon! Monkey!
We have famous, dastardly villains in our garden now – Mouse and Squirrel! It’s true! Really! Even the humans know about Mouse and Squirrel. They made a television show about them. Even though they misspelled Mouse as Moose, we all know what the reality is. What squirrel would hang around with a moose? Silly humans!
Yesterday, as we were resting in the sun after chasing skateboards with boys up and down the fence, Brock spied the tip of a naked tail disappearing into the geranium bush. Thinking it was probably Lizard, who lives in the bushes and likes to lead Hamilton a merry dance, we decided to let it go for now. Just as we were settling back down in a patch of sunlight, Mouse suddenly ran across the garden path, grabbed a piece of bird seed, and sat down to eat it!
Now, I don’t have to tell you that Mouse warrents an entirely different level of alert than Lizard! We barked. We ran! We followed the little fiend’s scent trail through the flower bed over and over, until a bicycle with a man on it came down the street and had to be vigorously warned away with barking and tearing of leaves off the rose bushes!
This was just the distraction that the second half of the sneeky duo was waiting for. Appearing out of thin air was the largest, furriest, Squirrel ever seen. He sat down in the middle of the bird seed, and started stuffing his face with sunflower seeds! Bold as brass! Naturally the alarm was raised, and the soldiers were summoned into the chase! Squirrel! We would have cornered and captured the scoundrel, except for some mistaken orders. Pippin tends to run to the tree where he last saw a squirrel, when the squirrel alert is sounded. Hamilton and Merry assumed that he knew something they didn’t, and followed him. That left three of the garden patrol uselessly staring up into an empty tree, with only Brock to try to capture the enemy. No one was there to perform a tricky pincher move, confusing the foe, and sending him back into Brock’s waiting jaws!
But, don’t worry! Now that we know that Mouse and Squirrel are behind all the garden attacks, we can plan ahead and be ready! We’ll get them next time! Monkey!