Is It Real?

Is it real?  I still ask myself that sometimes, especially in the wee hours of the morning.  I wake from a doze, sometimes still wrapped in the shreds of a dream, and I am disoriented.  Can it really be real?  Any of it?  I’m confused because it seems so unlikely.

If you had asked me the day before the murders if I thought Manling would ever do such a thing, I would have said, “No.  That’s crazy!”  Twenty-four hours later my world was shattered.  I don’t know what to believe- about Ling or about anyone or anything else.  I was trained to study people, you know.  I knew the boys like a favorite book, read over and over again.  I never felt that I really knew Ling.  I’m not sure anyone did.  I tried very hard, but just could never understand her.  That said, I still never imagined that she would ever hurt anyone, let alone commit such violent and atrocious murders.

Since I can’t understand, I sometimes wonder if it really could have happened.  I knew them.  They were three wonderful people.  It doesn’t make sense that anyone would take away their lives.  Just like that.  Gone.  No chance to say goodbye.  No chance even to ease their way or give them comfort.  Even looking at them at the viewing didn’t make it feel true – not really.  It wasn’t them.  They weren’t in there.  Everything that made them who they were was missing.  And how could they all be gone at once?  Ridiculous.  Absurd.

But that isn’t the worst of it – that feeling of unreality in the middle of the night.  The worst is when I wonder if they were real.  So much love, such a bright light.  Did I really have that for a while?  Or did I dream it up to give shape to my universe?  It’s easy to slip into a dream, you know.  Staying rooted in the here and now is harder, especially when you don’t much like the reality that you live in.  I don’t like that feeling.  Not at all.

There is a time in the wee hours that our ancestors used to call the ‘witching hour’.  I always used to think of it as midnight, but I think now it’s 2 or 3 in the morning.  That’s the time when primal fears wake and we need to comfort ourselves with lights or superstitions.  Things are too quiet and the dark is thick.  Too easy to think.  The imagination runs willy nilly down paths we may not wish to travel.  And sorrow wells up like a fountain – sometimes I feel like I may drown.  Is it real?  It’s 2:15 am, smack in the middle of the ‘witching hour’ and I just don’t know.  Maybe.

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2 Responses to Is It Real?

  1. Rozie Lindorfer says:

    Hello Jan, your writing are profoundly from your heart. I really feel your pain. I feel like I’m right in the room with you and we’re having this conversation about the events of your day and your feelings. Have you ever thought of writing childrens books using some of the characters Deven and Ian named, they can the characters in your books. Through your books you can take journeys with Devon & Ian that are not possible in the physical realm. ?? Just a thought. Book writing might give you some relief and allow your focus to be about happier thoughts, through your books you can go on many adventures together. Not to mention you can generate a living
    for your self. Get well, and stay strong, hope today will be a better day than the day before.
    Rozie

  2. Michele says:

    Jan – I just stumbled across your site and had to send you a note. I can’t even imagine how you are handling all of this. Not only the loss of your son, but your grand babies too? Then, legal proceedings on top of everything else. I lost my sister under tragic circumstances too. I can relate to many of the thoughts and feelings you post in your blog. I am sending you tons of blessings and lots of positive thoughts. I’d love to send you a Universal Grieving Symbol pin> that you can wear in memory of your son and grand kids. Write me back at my email if your interested. Blessings, ~ Michele

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