I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I’m caught in the middle of a stampeding buffalo herd that is fast approaching a cliff, and I can’t seem to extricate myself no matter what I do. Many of the ropes that I always anchored myself to are gone now. The ones that remain are under stress and are straining to hold the extra pressure. For Heaven’s sake, throw me lifeline because the edge of the cliff looms up in front of me.
My worst nightmares have always been those in which events happen over and over again, but no matter what you try, you can’t change the outcome. My waking life is starting to feel like that, too. I’m just a mote of dust that is pushed every which way by every breath of air. I’d much rather just land on the table and get swept away by feather duster. I’m tired of floating. It’s too much effort and it makes me dizzy.
The grief of losing my boys isn’t something that I will ever ‘get over.’ I will always miss them and mourn the milestones that I will never get to share. But how can I move forward with life? How do I put myself back together and figure out what to do next? It just never ends. I’m stuck in a time loop like in a Star Trek episode. I’m being ground into finer and finer powder and soon there will be nothing left. I can’t seem to write my way out of it, or talk my way out of it, and my phaser needs a new crystal. Someone call “Time” because I don’t want to play this game any more. Monkey.