My toe hurts. Doesn’t sound all that exciting, does it? Unfortunately my big toe is infected and that isn’t a good thing when you are a diabetic. It’s worse when you are a diabetic who has been dropped by her insurance company. It’s the absolute pits when you are a diabetic, have no health insurance and no income. The pharmacy already has $600 worth of medication that it is holding hostage in the hope that pennies will fall from heaven right into my lap. I just went to the eye doctor because I have been having blurry vision for the last few weeks, especially at night (also not good when you are diabetic). I hadn’t been since the boys were killed. No diabetic retinopathy, which is a relief, but I have cataracts. Again, no insurance and no cash. Should go to the dentist, because I haven’t been there since before the murders, either. I know I need to go because a big piece of a molar came off a few months ago. I have always had very strong teeth and am not used to shedding bits here and there. Same difficulty, though. No insurance and no income. Don’t you think it’s interesting that She Who Must Not Be Named gets free medical care (such as it is) and I get to fall to pieces? I almost feel like an overripe zombie who is starting to shed.

It seems so unreal sometimes that my life could unravel so completely. Only three years ago my boys were taken away. Only 3 years and yet a lifetime. That was the big loss, the loss that left me reeling and still makes it hard to get up some mornings. In the face of that loss, everything else seems a little trivial to worry about. But, it certainly doesn’t help to keep losing and losing. My job, my health, many of my “friends”, my ability to cope, and even a piece of a stupid tooth – all thrown into the bonfire. Gone. When do pieces stop falling off? How do I stop the erosion of my life? Perhaps I should start looking for an abandoned shopping cart so I can be ready for the day I am a toothless half blind crazy woman hobbling around with no toes. I have to have some way to push around my cat and my yarn scraps. Monkey.


About griefsjourney

Neal's mom. Devon's and Ian's Oma.
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