Two Whole Years

Two years. It’s been two whole years since my beautiful boys, Neal, Devon and Ian, were killed. Whoever coined the phrase “time heals all wounds” should be kicked in the shins. It isn’t true. There are some wounds that never fully heal, no matter how much time goes by. They can be reopended and made to bleed again in an instant. With practice you learn how to live with your wound a little bit better, so that there isn’t a huge “walking wounded” sign hung around your neck. But, you never really adjust to having a huge hole in your heart. How could you?

I thought that I might have new insights or words of wisdom to impart by the time the second anniversary of the murders came around. I’m afraid I don’t. I wish I did have something helpful and revealing to tell you. It’s still a struggle to cope with the pain. I love my guys with as much fervor as I did the moment they were each put into my arms for the first time. I still think about them all day and every day. Sometimes remembering makes me laugh. Sometimes the physical need to hold them in my arms is so great it makes me frantic. Sometimes a tiny little thing can make me cry. Sometimes I catch myself turning around or picking up the phone to tell them something, because their presence in my heart is so very real. And, sometimes, I am so weary and worn with pain that it feels like I have lived a thousand years since learning of their murder. I look at the long years that stretch ahead, and wonder how I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. But, I never wish that time would erase the memory of their faces and voices so that I didn’t have to miss them – so that there would be no reason to hurt. I wouldn’t give up the time spent with them and the love we shared for any amount of peace of mind. Don’t ask.

If you are also on your own journey of grief, I’m sorry that after two whole years I have no words of wisdom that will make your path easier to follow. I wish that I could give you a miraculous cure that would let you skip the hard and rocky parts. I don’t think it’s possible. If you want to keep the love I’m afraid that you have to keep the pain of your loss as well. Cry on my shoulder when you need to, and I will lean on yours. And we will never forget them or the honor of holding them for a brief and shining moment.

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One Response to Two Whole Years

  1. Peggy Weaver says:

    I’ve felt those things too Jan, not for a child or a grandchild; but for my dearest friend. I cannot for a minute begin to imagine your pain but I absolutely know what it feels like to continue “to put one foot in front of the other”… to get through a minute, a day, a week… it’s the only thing we can do, isn’t it? when we have others still on the planet who love and need us. Life is forever changed, won’t be as rich, as sweet, as good as it once was. Your writing is insightful and valuable – love to you this dreary Monday morning – we expect the sun to shine this afternoon.

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