I’ve been a bit of an emotional wreck this week. The preliminary hearing is set to begin on September 11. This is the latest in more than half a dozen dates, and there is no guarantee it will actually take place. Nonetheless, I’ve been unable to sleep and when I do doze off I have nightmares.
The legal process is extremely difficult for the families of murder victims. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that makes it so difficult to find any peace or healing. I can’t even tell you exactly why I am so anxious. Is it because I’m afraid that the whole thing will be put off again, that we will have to wait even longer to have even our most basic questions answered? Yes. Am I afraid that the preliminary hearing will actually take place, and I will hear some of the evidence at last? Yes. Both. There are things I really want the answers to, but I’m afraid that hearing those answers in the clinical environment of a courtroom is going to be torturous. I don’t know what to hope for – a start to the process so we can move ahead, or a postponement to the pain of hearing those difficult facts. As the date moves inexorably closer, it occupies my thoughts and makes it impossible to concentrate on anything else. Even in my sleep I wrestle with uncomfortable images. I hate this! Monkey.